she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
