the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
