omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Randomize
