Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
