Just mADE A PArabola og urine
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
