Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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