babies were throwing up all over the place
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I AM VODKA MAN
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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