I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
