I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
