pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
