the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
that's an acceptable place to lick
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
