apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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