EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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