Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I still have a little drunk in my system
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
