last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
