How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
