i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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