just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
well, you know. whores of a feather.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
