I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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