Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
not ubering you a puppy
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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