some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
