I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
