I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
