I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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