I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
