My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
