So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
