Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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