Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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