why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
