I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
