P.S. I can't hear my feet
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
