how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just pee around me
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
