a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
