I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Randomize
