I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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