i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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