Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
