i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Pants are for mortals
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
