I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
