at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
