i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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