either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
