Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
