I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
