What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
