my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So much rum. So many feels.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
