you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
