I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
