don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
